non-negotiable

it all started when i ticked that tiny box labeled 25-30, under the category AGE.

mid-20’s. then there’s late 20’s. then.. it’s all downhill from there.

i should’ve seen the signs.

there was me setting foot in an unfamiliar territory commonly known as the gym.

then there’s me depriving myself of carbs.

and lastly, me being the safe playing, ergo boring home buddy that i’ve become.

this wouldn’t have happened if i haven’t reached my mid-20’s.

i would’ve still been eating five cups of rice with sisig for lunch and not feeling guilty. i would’ve still been bragging to my friends that i never go to the gym and still manage to look fit. i would’ve still been feisty and ballsy on every adventure that comes my way and do things for the heck of it.

but we all need to age. it’s non-negotiable.

and frankly, im not afraid of aging. it takes more than wrinkles and menopause to scare me.

what scares me is the fact that i am getting older and i may not have a clue that i actually am.

older and wiser. it always come as one. but what if we’re just getting older but not the latter?

well it depends on how we define wiser. if wiser means playing it safe for the rest of your life and seeing things in black and white, then id rather be blissfully dumb. because life is never safe, it’s all about risks. and things are seen better in different shades and not just black and white.

i choose to live my life the way i want it, and not because it’s the norm of the society. i choose not to live my life just because it’s whats supposed to be. like i choose not to be married like the rest of the girls have been dreaming of. not because i think ill never meet the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. but because i know ill meet him (or might have already) but will never trust the sanctity of commitment. i choose not to have kids when everyone says it’s what makes a woman whole. because i don’t believe i need a baby to a validate my womanhood and simply because i hate kids.

my choices are pretty much obvious. i don’t want to grow up. i may be getting older, but i don’t have the capability to grow up.

but hey, growing up is over-rated anyway.

been there, done that

im the last person in this world to talk about life and it's requisites. and believe me, it's the last thing in this world that i want to talk about.

but when you got so much time as i do, at home and at work, you think.

think of things that are sometimes worthy of thinking. and most of the times just pure waste of time.

but still, as intellectual beings, we think. with sense, or lack of it.

with so much things running through my head, im bound to let out a few. i think i owe it to myself.

REGRETS.

im sure everyone is familiar with such word. or maybe have become more than acquianted with the word.

we always say don't do things you might regret. i heard it from my mom,my sister, then from my teachers, then from some friends. i hear it so much im probably immune to it by now.

and immune indeed.

my apologies, but i don't believe in such cliche.

i believe that we regret things that we didn't do, rather than the things we did.

i believe that what we don't do that very second makes us cowards and what makes us cowards is that little voice in our heads saying, "don't do it or you'll regret it for the rest of your life".

guess what? you will regret it any other way. why not regret it knowing that you took the chance and knowing what is out there. knowing is far more precious than innocence. and innocence might as well be called ignorance.

i've been stupid, and beyond. and i can say those were not my finest hours..or years in my case. but those years never made me say i wish i can comeback and rewrite it all. never made me say i wish i didn't do this. never made me say "what was i thinking?!". because i knew exactly what i was thinking that time, and i was thinking straight. I WILL NOT LOOK BACK ON THIS DAY AND SAY I WISH I DID THIS.

sure it was moronic. completely reckless. but isn't that being what young and stupid means?

we test the waters. we see what's out there in the wild. we take a leap. we fall so hard and break our hearts, over and over again.

get it out of your system. that's what being young and stupid is, YOUNG AND STUPID.

and once it's out, we go back to the shore. we see the light out of the wild. we land on both feet after a big leap. we mend our hearts and learn to love again. and live.

live like how life should be lived. no what if's. no hang-ups. no regrets.

My India

this is long overdue. ive been trying to wrap my head around all that's happened in India, but i can't seem to put everything in words.i have come to a decision that whatever i may say about India, or what i have said, it will never succumb to what IT really is. Incredible India indeed.

I remember seeing this documentary when i was about 10 in Discovery Channel ( by accident while i was probably waiting for World Class Cuisine ) by this celebrity that i still don't know his name. The setting is in India. That was my first glimpse of the great country. and i remember being amazed by everything that i saw--it was an eye-opening experience. when all i knew back then was the fact that India was a part of Magellan's expedition ( thanks to Hekasi--you'd hear me chuckle when i wrote the word Hekasi ) and nothing more.

The documentary showed the religious traditions, the busy streets, the street food, the colorful backdrop. at least that's all i can remember. but taking a peek on that small window of a different world, i told myself I'll go there someday, without a clue of where India might be or how i'd get there.

i told my sister about this while we we're both watching the documentary ( i don't know how much she can remember ). She immediately said i needed all those vaccinations and meds just so im safe to go there. yes, so typical. my ever safe sister.

So there i was fully vaccinated (thanks to Emirates) and on Malaria tablets for the whole month, ready to take the adventure that is so-called INDIA.

I arrived India two whole days prior to Paolo's arrival. challenging as it may be, but i accept the challenge!

The hotel pick-up drove me from the airport to the hotel at about 4am. not the best time to arrive in a strange city i suppose. especially in India ( excuse me for using the word India when i know i shouldn't generalize when i am only in Delhi, but India sounds much more powerful ) when the streets are not only poorly lit but to be blunt, not lit at all. and the driving skills of the driver (god bless him) is not even called a skill. and the absence of the side mirrors aren't much help. there we were driving blindly on the swirly streets of delhi, as i try to disregard all paranoid thoughts. 

seatbelt is broken, hold on to something.

or when he gives you a threatening stare or he turns to a dark, dodgy place (in this case, that's always the case), just jump off the vehicle.

or i can be a hero and fight him off. ok, weapons. closest i got is my perfume and my eyeliner. usually my weapon of choice would be the bottle of wine on my hand but i can only use what i have. perfume and an eyeliner. what are you thinking? giving him a make-over?

but all these unneeded paranoia came to an end when i finally got to the hotel.

then another set of paranoia began.

alone, with no lock inside my room (apparently they don't usually have the manual locks inside because they give you the only key of the room, but i found out later and i can never be too sure). so i slept on my mothball-smelling bed, still with the same clothes on, and shoes---ready to run.

again with the unneeded paranoia. sun came up and i was ready to put this show on the road. had my indian breakfast and met the other backpackers in the building, i felt safer. then i spent some time talking with the hotel staff and found out how nice and helpful they were.

i did the delhi city tour alone. no more paranoia there. well--not quite. there's still the shitty driving, the drinking water, the food and the toilets to be freaked out about but that's just the minor stuff.

my trip to karol bagh was a slightly different experience as compared to my city tour. when the tour is all about culture and heritage, something i clearly appreciate, but the real India is in the streets. this is what i came here for.

it was pure chaos. filth. foul. it was BEAUTIFUL.

vendors trying to sell you just about anything. food being prepared and sold in the not so sanitized of places. traffic in India makes traffic in the Philippines look like child's play (Man up, Philippines!). toilets here makes the one in Trainspotting seem like a 5-star hotel. and everything else just seemed broken down and rugged.

rustic is the perfect word. and as much as it can be offensive to some people, to the sight or the smell, or even to the feel, that's India's charm. old, rustic, chaotic. you have to take it as it is.

and amidst all that beautiful chaos ( i have Paolo to thank for this term) stands at the heart of India, pure beauty--the Taj Mahal.

As i stood before it i just had to pause-- i knew i was in the presence of Greatness.

It was Majestic.Surreal. So beyond words.

I knew that moment there is only one thing i could say, "Sis, i told you i'll get here!" :P

India is a world like no other. India opens up our narrow minds as to what and who else is out there. India takes us on a whirlwind adventure (with ample paranoia) and leaves us in awe. India is a challenge not for the weak of heart. India is a wonder that is beyond Taj Mahal.

India is an experience.

the Goan hang-over

Bob Marley sings for me, as i begin writing my thoughts on Goa.

I intend to write about Goa while I'm still soaking up under it's own sun, as I smell the salt on my skin, as i hear the Indian waves crashing onto the shore. And as much as i want to just sit back sipping on my mojito, and admire the beauty before me, i believe i owe it to Goa to talk about it, to praise it's beauty with my words.

Sarees, bindis and hindi signs scattered--probably the only remaining sign that we're still in India. When everything else is a quaint reminder of what was once a Portuguese colony--the Portuguese-style houses, the churches, the crosses on every corner, the Portugal-influenced cuisines. i describe Goa like how I'd describe the Philippines. Maybe the Philippines circa 1980 to be fair to my mainland. Rustic--when calm and crazy collides. Simple.

That is probably why I feel so at home here. Minus the fact that I have to double-check the water first if it's safe for drinking, and use anti-bacterial gel every 5 minutes, and apply insect-repellent (which doesn't work by the way) even though im already on malaria tablets for the whole month. Yes, all said and done, I still feel at home in Goa. Maybe it's the tattoo-covered Westerners binge-drinking from noon til the wee hours that made me feel i belong. Or the hippies dancing on trance music around the bonfire--then a vendor would come up to you and sell you nothing but chewing gum (ah yes, trance and chewing gum). Or maybe it's the smell of whatever is "baking" just around the corner as reggae music plays in the bar. *evil grin* Home Sweet Home.

Goa is total freedom. The sanctuary for escapists like myself. The haven of anything unpretentious. The refuge for those who dares to lose himself.

Here I am free. I escaped it all. I found what's real. I lost myself--and found it.

*written underneath a coconut tree in Goa--December 3, 2009.

EDEN

waves come crashing before my eyes. sand glistens as soon as the sun touches it. salty breeze kisses my skin. summer heat veils my parched body.

paradise seduces me.

frozen margarita and a pill on my tongue.

i close my eyes.

and listen.

waves come crashing. sun touches my glistening skin. salty breeze will always be salty. and the heat still remains.

one by one i abandon my senses.

the waves fade.

the sun lost it's heat.

the scent of the sea dies.

and i am left with me.

this is my reverie.

then--- i wake up...

alone in my blindingly lit room. a room too cold it's numbing.

the silence might as well be deafening.

the fragrance of every corner leaves a trace of you and me.

every space screams comfort.

now this is my reality. :)

Ode to Bacolod

Smell of the rain. Sight of the green.

Light up a smoke. Under a Tree.

Sound of the cars, passing us by.

Head to that place. Bring me a smile.

Stranger comes in. A stranger he's not.

Someone you know. 'Though you do not.

Strange to familiar. Things in a blur.

Blur is familiar. Like how you are to her.

Cars hum for us. The rain slow danced.

We close our eyes. Our last chance.

Head to that place. We head no more.

This is the place. That smile i wore.

I'm too old for this shhh..

As i am the biggest fan of How I met Your Mother, i recall their earlier episode where they showed how some stuff we used to do before, we are too old to do now. and called it theMurtaugh List. Inspired by Lethal Weapon's Roger Murtaugh's famous line, I'm too old for this sh*t. It's genius.

this got me thinking. maybe i should jot down my Murtaugh list too.

after all, i can't be forever debbie oca the wild child .

or can i? ;P

but there are some things i know for sure.

like, im too old to wear black knickers under white pants. or undies higher than my low-rise jeans. i learned these the hard way.

im too old to wear see-through blouses. back then it might be forgivable. teens are allowed occasional fashion faux pas. now see-through blouses may just let people see through your desperation.

im too old to wear Von Dutch caps, and especially sideways. not like i ever worn one. but i admit i actually owned one before.

im too old to decide which tattoo design to get over lunch with friends. bad idea. and i have that constant reminder on my lower back.

im too old to start dancing on an empty dancefloor. or be the last one standing on the dancefloor. it's as tiring as it can be humiliating.

im too old to pierce my own ear. or have my bestfriend pierce it. ended up having 5 piercings on one ear. might have seemed cool for a brief moment. up until i realized im a lady.

im too old to kiss a guy at a bar, and struggle the next day to remember his name. first it's irresponsible. but mostly just slutty.

im too old to take drinks offered by strangers at a bar. like im too old to take tabs offered by strangers at a bar. not that im saying i did.

im too old to play truth or dare. because we all know truth is merely a front. that game is designed to dare everyone kiss everyone. strip poker on the other hand, is a different story.

im too old to steal someone else's boyfriend as my idea of fun. this usually gets you into a catfight in front of the whole school and tetanus shots later. yes, i learned this the hard way too.

im too old to lie to my mom. my remedy, i tell her anything. my argument, im old enough to get my ass whooped. but believe me, she might still do if i get too crazy.

and crazy , i do well.

as we get too old to do all the crazy sh*t we used to do, (and im not saying i did all that's written above. ehem ) im pretty confident im still too young to do other crazy sh*t.

and what are those crazy sh*t?

I guess I have to learn that the hard way. ;)

bucket list

1. take a leap. literally. SKY-DIVE. soon.

2. visit the South pole. why? because it's probably the farthest one man can go. not unless i become an astronaut. but, it's never too late. 

3. go to a nude beach. and not care. 

4. meet Anthony Bourdain. a meal with him would be nice too.

5. write a book. first, i have to enjoy doing the paperwork.

6. feast on a meal prepared by Gordon Ramsay himself. 

7. drink straight from a bottle of moet while up on the sunroof of a limo cruising the Vegas strip. just like how they show it in the movies. it just looked cool.

8. throw my sister a hen's night. she'd kill me for saying this. but the offer still stands sis, bachelorette party on me. 

9. be in Dre's or Snoop Dogg's music video. dream big, they say. 

10.see the himalayas. im a realist. i can't climb it. helicopter tour will suffice. once again, im a realist. hence the music video with Snoop Dogg.

11.get my parents to as much countries as they can. What good would an FA daughter be without the travel benefits?

12. wine-tasting in Napa Valley. says the girl who's too lazy to get a US visa.

13. watch a broadway show. phantom of the opera or les miserables.

14. learn to drive. i can't be 27 and not learn to drive-- and have a car, for the record. 

15. and learn to swim too. which im hopeless in. i might just have to give up on this. scratch number 15.

16. cliff dive. refer to number 15.

17. speak another language. sure, i can say hello, thank you and goodbye in probably 20 languages but i want to be fluent in something. spanish? arabic? 

18. sing in front of people. not karaoke. but really singing--on a stage, with a spotlight, with a band preferably. no one would really want to see or hear me sing. that's the point.

19. go back to school. do a few masteral courses. or study fashion design or make-up artistry. 

20. serve a high profile celebrity inflight. Angelina jolie and the whole brood is top on my list. But I'll take George Clooney, too.

21. ride the six flags rollercoaster. i've always been scared to ride a rollercoaster, but if i do, i want to do it hardcore.

22. watch a burlesque show. Dita Von teese- style. 

23. throw a party for any home for the aged. and no, im not just saying this to have a heart. but i really do have a soft spot for the elderly (more than i have for the kids). 

24. go on a cruise. i don't really care where to, as long as i ride a ship for a change. 

25. buy a property, a condo maybe, in manila. it's about time i check my priorities in life. and to think this is the last thing that entered my mind while making this list.

And for the hundred more things that i dare to do, that i cannot share or dare to speak out loud :P or those things i want to do but don't know it yet.

cheers to the good life!